Big Girl Potty
Available here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DZVKMYA
Big Boy Potty
Available here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E4WYF2E
Thursday, July 25, 2013
How to Fail Miserably at Potty Training
Potty training sucks. It's a horrible, stinky, exhausting process that can leave both you and your child in tears. As every potty-training manual will tell you, "giving up is not an option" but is that really true?
I was reading the book "Everyone Poops" and had an epiphany, "what if everyone pooped like animals?" Think about it. It's natural, organic, requires no work, fertilizes plants and leaves more time for household chores like shampooing the carpet, a lot. Now you may be thinking, "That's brilliant! I'm going to stop potty training right now!" but there are some rules if you want to avoid natural evolution that makes your kid smarter than the family dog. Even dogs can learn to hold it and only go in designated areas so this natural instinct must be broken. Here's a few tips to potty de-train:
• Reward the messes. I suggest stickers, M&M's or just cold hard cash.
• Trash all the diapers. If the tot complains that he/she really wants one tell him/her "Your diapers came alive and wanted to bite your bottom." If that doesn't stop the whining, the nightmares will.
• Make up a tune. Singing will help relax a child and distract from the smell.
• Avoid potty training books. If your kid finds one at the library or bookstore, tell them "only babies read that and you're a big-boy or girl.
• Target practice. If you have a boy you can take Cheerios outside, throw them everywhere and make a game of your little one squirting them. Other lawn games could be "help make the flowers grow" or the classic hilarious craft "flaming bag of poop on a neighbors doorstep."
• Dress for success. If you have a girl put them only in dresses. This helps to not contain the mess.
• Taking out all the bathrooms in your house can be expensive so try pad-locking them instead. If your significant other isn't on board with this revolutionary new trend, hide the key. If you ever see a toilet when out and about, shield your child's eyes. The less they know about the potty, the better. If the child gets curious and asks what a potty is, tell them it's something only Gargomile uses to destroy Smurfs. That's why they're blue.
• To prevent the little one from learning to hold it, always have a faucet running and a video of Niagara Falls on auto-replay.
• When all their friends use the potty so they want to as well, force them to watch as many 80's movies about peer-pressure as you can find until they pee themselves from the assault of bad acting and large scary hair.
• Make them feel proud. If this is the first time your child has pooped out in the wild or even the living room, get excited about it. Heck throw a party! Invite guests, get some brown balloons and a chocolate cake. This event should be commemorated.
Disclaimer: If you take the advice above, my condolences to your neighbors and your sense of smell but I'm sure your vegetable garden looks great. If you want to jump back into the horror that is potty training, M&M's, a good book, a steam-vac and a but-load of patience worked for me.
I was reading the book "Everyone Poops" and had an epiphany, "what if everyone pooped like animals?" Think about it. It's natural, organic, requires no work, fertilizes plants and leaves more time for household chores like shampooing the carpet, a lot. Now you may be thinking, "That's brilliant! I'm going to stop potty training right now!" but there are some rules if you want to avoid natural evolution that makes your kid smarter than the family dog. Even dogs can learn to hold it and only go in designated areas so this natural instinct must be broken. Here's a few tips to potty de-train:
• Reward the messes. I suggest stickers, M&M's or just cold hard cash.
• Trash all the diapers. If the tot complains that he/she really wants one tell him/her "Your diapers came alive and wanted to bite your bottom." If that doesn't stop the whining, the nightmares will.
• Make up a tune. Singing will help relax a child and distract from the smell.
• Avoid potty training books. If your kid finds one at the library or bookstore, tell them "only babies read that and you're a big-boy or girl.
• Target practice. If you have a boy you can take Cheerios outside, throw them everywhere and make a game of your little one squirting them. Other lawn games could be "help make the flowers grow" or the classic hilarious craft "flaming bag of poop on a neighbors doorstep."
• Dress for success. If you have a girl put them only in dresses. This helps to not contain the mess.
• Taking out all the bathrooms in your house can be expensive so try pad-locking them instead. If your significant other isn't on board with this revolutionary new trend, hide the key. If you ever see a toilet when out and about, shield your child's eyes. The less they know about the potty, the better. If the child gets curious and asks what a potty is, tell them it's something only Gargomile uses to destroy Smurfs. That's why they're blue.
• To prevent the little one from learning to hold it, always have a faucet running and a video of Niagara Falls on auto-replay.
• When all their friends use the potty so they want to as well, force them to watch as many 80's movies about peer-pressure as you can find until they pee themselves from the assault of bad acting and large scary hair.
• Make them feel proud. If this is the first time your child has pooped out in the wild or even the living room, get excited about it. Heck throw a party! Invite guests, get some brown balloons and a chocolate cake. This event should be commemorated.
Disclaimer: If you take the advice above, my condolences to your neighbors and your sense of smell but I'm sure your vegetable garden looks great. If you want to jump back into the horror that is potty training, M&M's, a good book, a steam-vac and a but-load of patience worked for me.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Sneak Peekaboo
Here's a little someone I'm working on. She doesn't have a name yet but I'm open to suggestions.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Author Yoga
I'm not going to sugar-coat this. There's some scary people out there that will suck the very life out of your creative force. Don't let that mess with your chi. After all, you're a better author when you've had your ass handed to you. It builds character. If you're not feeling the optimist vibe though, here's some ways to take back your chi:
• Kick something (Preferably not something alive): Kicking engages the quadriceps, hamstrings and gluteals. I don't know what all that is but I'm sure it's important.
• Walk away from the computer, smart phone, and/or tablet. If there's something ugly on it, divert your eyes. Brisk walking counts as cardio.
• Get a healthy snack. Refuel those batteries. Ice cream works too, with calcium and all.
• Do something nice to help others. Nothing says "my life isn't so bad" like helping people who's life truly sucks. It's all about perspective. Heck, just read the news. There's horrific things happening to people every day. Yay! That's not you!
• Meditate to music so loud you can't think. If you can't think at all, no negative thoughts can enter your head.
• Watch any Rocky movie, even the last one with this quotable gem...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"
Now doesn't that just make you want to run up a whole lot of stairs and write a book at the top about how much you hate stairs? If so, congratulations! Your chi has returned.
• Kick something (Preferably not something alive): Kicking engages the quadriceps, hamstrings and gluteals. I don't know what all that is but I'm sure it's important.
• Walk away from the computer, smart phone, and/or tablet. If there's something ugly on it, divert your eyes. Brisk walking counts as cardio.
• Get a healthy snack. Refuel those batteries. Ice cream works too, with calcium and all.
• Do something nice to help others. Nothing says "my life isn't so bad" like helping people who's life truly sucks. It's all about perspective. Heck, just read the news. There's horrific things happening to people every day. Yay! That's not you!
• Meditate to music so loud you can't think. If you can't think at all, no negative thoughts can enter your head.
• Watch any Rocky movie, even the last one with this quotable gem...
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!"
Now doesn't that just make you want to run up a whole lot of stairs and write a book at the top about how much you hate stairs? If so, congratulations! Your chi has returned.
Monday, July 8, 2013
If the Disney Princesses Had Gotten a Career Instead of a Man
I admit, when I wrote "Not Just a Princess" I was a bit annoyed with the billion dollar Disney princess business. I don't have anything wrong with girls wanting to be princesses. After all, who wouldn't want to be ridiculously wealthy with servants waiting on you hand and foot? I just don't like that the dream had to require getting married. It sends a message to little girls that the only way to achieve what you want is through a man. For all the marketing talk of strong, willful princesses, the reality is pretty lame.
Disney must have gotten the hint because Merida remains single for now. With Disney's record for making multiple sequels, she may not be unattached for long though.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people falling in love, marriage and popping out kids that read my books. However, there's a good sized line between true love and sugar daddy. I had to wonder, what would these princesses be doing in modern times if they didn't turn to man-mush. So hear are my best guesses. Enjoy!
Bell:
While librarian seems like the obvious choice don't forget her song "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere." This girl wants to travel, not be stuck in a freaky castle all day. She could be a pilot, archeologist, or with her ability to belt out a tune, singer.
Ariel:She was only sixteen when that cradle robbing Prince Erik fell off the boat so she'd still be in high school. She showed a great amount of athletic ability outrunning a shark so she could look at getting certified to be a personal trainer, a swim coach or even take on Michael Phelps in the Olympics.
Cinderella:
Even after a hard day of stepmother abuse, she still found the energy to make little mousy outfits. Despite the fact she forgot to sew the boy mice pants, she could still have a future in fashion design.
Sleeping Beauty: The fairies gave her the gift of song and beauty but that doesn't make her the next American Idol. She seemed more concerned about looking perfect even when passed out. Photographer, make-up artist, or Art Director might be up her alley.
Snow White:
She could make a herd of forest animals jump off a cliff with the hypnotic sound of her voice. There has never been a more talented animal trainer.
A few girls already had budding careers before getting man-mushed.
Tiana:
Without the boatload of cash from the lazy prince to buy a restaurant, Tiana still was a five star chef. She could have won Hell's Kitchen with her work ethic and her beignets could have been a national brand.
Pocahontas:
Already Head of Foreign Relations.
Merida:
Though she hasn't gotten married yet, she could be a rock climbing instructor or win gold in Olympic archery.
Also, though not a princess, I wanted to give a mention to Mulan.
Mulan: While she was trained by her hunk to be a Military Weapons Specialist her determination to save her father is what inspired her training. The shirtless-wonder-boy was really just a bonus.
So, in conclusion, lets start a new fairytale for our girls. How about the dream of getting through college without debt for starters? After that, a career that pays the bills and makes them happy. While I can't put up a "No Boys Allowed" sign on the castle, I can help my girl to stand on her own two feet. After all, a smart, independent young woman is more beautiful than glass slippers any day.
Disney must have gotten the hint because Merida remains single for now. With Disney's record for making multiple sequels, she may not be unattached for long though.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people falling in love, marriage and popping out kids that read my books. However, there's a good sized line between true love and sugar daddy. I had to wonder, what would these princesses be doing in modern times if they didn't turn to man-mush. So hear are my best guesses. Enjoy!
Bell:
While librarian seems like the obvious choice don't forget her song "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere." This girl wants to travel, not be stuck in a freaky castle all day. She could be a pilot, archeologist, or with her ability to belt out a tune, singer.
Ariel:She was only sixteen when that cradle robbing Prince Erik fell off the boat so she'd still be in high school. She showed a great amount of athletic ability outrunning a shark so she could look at getting certified to be a personal trainer, a swim coach or even take on Michael Phelps in the Olympics.
Cinderella:
Even after a hard day of stepmother abuse, she still found the energy to make little mousy outfits. Despite the fact she forgot to sew the boy mice pants, she could still have a future in fashion design.
Sleeping Beauty: The fairies gave her the gift of song and beauty but that doesn't make her the next American Idol. She seemed more concerned about looking perfect even when passed out. Photographer, make-up artist, or Art Director might be up her alley.
Snow White:
She could make a herd of forest animals jump off a cliff with the hypnotic sound of her voice. There has never been a more talented animal trainer.
A few girls already had budding careers before getting man-mushed.
Tiana:
Without the boatload of cash from the lazy prince to buy a restaurant, Tiana still was a five star chef. She could have won Hell's Kitchen with her work ethic and her beignets could have been a national brand.
Pocahontas:
Already Head of Foreign Relations.
Merida:
Though she hasn't gotten married yet, she could be a rock climbing instructor or win gold in Olympic archery.
Also, though not a princess, I wanted to give a mention to Mulan.
Mulan: While she was trained by her hunk to be a Military Weapons Specialist her determination to save her father is what inspired her training. The shirtless-wonder-boy was really just a bonus.
So, in conclusion, lets start a new fairytale for our girls. How about the dream of getting through college without debt for starters? After that, a career that pays the bills and makes them happy. While I can't put up a "No Boys Allowed" sign on the castle, I can help my girl to stand on her own two feet. After all, a smart, independent young woman is more beautiful than glass slippers any day.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Ridiculously Easy Crafts for Independence Day
Pinterest has some gorgeous crafts but when you're trying to make a walnut squirrel with an under 6 year old, it sometimes ends up looking like squirrel droppings. Here's a few extremely easy crafts for anyone that doesn't eat crayons. Good luck!
Why Junk Food Is Good For Your Kid
Like many American holidays, this Independence day is a wonderful opportunity to instill high-calorie traditions upon your child. Why only on holidays though? Why not celebrate the bounty of processed foods every day? Here's a few reasons to celebrate good old, American junk food.
Disclaimer: Getting kid's to eat healthy can be a really, really, really hard endeavor but worth it. For the under age 6 crowd, you might take a look at my kids adventure book "The History of Veggies." For over 6, I'll just send you good vibes.
- Because healthier meals = smaller kid = less to love. Now who wants to love their kid less?
- Because the Golden Arches teaches the letter "M" and important sight words that start with"Mc."
- Because reading weird ingredients that look like Latin may teach your kids Latin. Then they can claim Bi-lingual on their college applications.
- Because deep frying is a culinary art form and kids should learn to appreciate the arts.
- Because playing pirate is a lot more fun with a real case of scurvy.
- Because, sugar is a perfectly legal addiction you can deal your kids to do whatever you want. Heck, you might even get them to to try a new vegetable if you dangle a snickers.
- Because the worst meals contain the best toys. It's all about value. If a restaurant put money into quality food, they wouldn't have anything left over to advertise kids movies.
- Because that study that says sugar makes you stupid means you won't have a smart-Alec kid.
- Because you don't want your kid to have so much energy they don't want to play Grand Theft Auto. They might actually want to go outside, get fresh air, and maybe ride a bike. It's all downhill from there.
- Because many kids meals pack a whole days worth of calories, you may only need to feed your kids once a day. Now that's being efficient!
- Because junk food makes kids fart = less likely to date = less likely to have teen pregnancy.
- Because junk food gives kids acne = less self-esteem = lower expectations out of life. The lower they aspire, the more likely they are to succeed!
- Because with all the health conditions you might get some use out of that insurance policy plus hospitals are so much fun.
Disclaimer: Getting kid's to eat healthy can be a really, really, really hard endeavor but worth it. For the under age 6 crowd, you might take a look at my kids adventure book "The History of Veggies." For over 6, I'll just send you good vibes.
Monday, July 1, 2013
How to get your kid to hate reading
• Make them read only at night when they're really tired.
• Give them books they're not interested in. If they like superheroes, give them princesses.
• Start them on books for kids at least 3 years older. After two hours they might be able to finish one page.
• Distract them as much as possible. During reading time, surround them with fun toys that require no brainpower and tell them to "focus." Also, turn up the radio, TV, letting the baby cry, dogs bark and heck, it's also a great time to get out the power tools and do some remodeling.
• Give them lots of sugar and then tell them to sit still and read.
• Don't get them their own library card. That might make them want to check something out.
• Make reading a part of time-outs. Then kids may associate reading with punishment.
• Never read around your child and if you do, look like it pains you. Otherwise they might start to think reading can be for fun.
• When it's not reading time put the books up high somewhere kids can't reach in case they might want to look at them on their own. Curiosity can nourish a love of books and who wants that?
Disclaimer: Just kidding! Please encourage your kids to read.
• Give them books they're not interested in. If they like superheroes, give them princesses.
• Start them on books for kids at least 3 years older. After two hours they might be able to finish one page.
• Distract them as much as possible. During reading time, surround them with fun toys that require no brainpower and tell them to "focus." Also, turn up the radio, TV, letting the baby cry, dogs bark and heck, it's also a great time to get out the power tools and do some remodeling.
• Give them lots of sugar and then tell them to sit still and read.
• Don't get them their own library card. That might make them want to check something out.
• Make reading a part of time-outs. Then kids may associate reading with punishment.
• Never read around your child and if you do, look like it pains you. Otherwise they might start to think reading can be for fun.
• When it's not reading time put the books up high somewhere kids can't reach in case they might want to look at them on their own. Curiosity can nourish a love of books and who wants that?
Disclaimer: Just kidding! Please encourage your kids to read.